The postseason is an elitist’s party, no doubt about it. A select few are invited and only one can be lucky enough to steal the limelight. Yankee fans have joined the ranks of the disgruntled as St. Louis prepares to host the Rangers in the World Series (the Allstar game counts folks!). If you’re like my father, you’ve already retreated to the comforts of another sport with baseball quietly hibernating in the back of mind until next spring. If you’re like me, you’re watching the remainder of the playoffs with a sense of mild amusement. For those of you on the fence on how you want to spend your time, here’s a feeble attempt to steer your attention back to the FOX network tonight (yeah, you heard me).
2) Tony La Russa isn’t getting any younger. Many of us have already confused him with one of the zombie fill-ins for The Walking Dead. There’s also a chance that the Zombie-apocalypse has begun in reality, and he’s the first to have turned.
3) Two players with the last name “Pujols” have made it to the Majors. You can witness the better one firsthand tonight.
4) If the score gets out of hand quickly, Mark McGwire will be allowed to pinch hit.
5) How else can you prepare for the truly preposterous trade ideas that will surely ensue after the World Series? Don’t you want to know how clutch Hamilton, Pujols, or Holliday is before the Yanks trade Swisher for one of them (in an even one-for-one swap that involves no additional salary)? There’s a chance someone will accidentally mention Adam Wainwright. You probably didn’t even consider him for the 2012 rotation did you?
6) The Red Sox aren’t in it. Nor are the Rays. The Orioles. The Blue Jays. The Angles. The Mets. Have I forgotten any other inherently irritating organizations?
7) Both pitching staffs are fully prepared to stink. Love me some offense! As an added bonus, you’ll likely get to hear some glorious play-by-play commentary explaining how pitching is overrated in the playoffs.
8) Neither of these teams are soulless big market organizations who callously buy their players along with their championships. Sorta.
9) There’s a nationwide drinking game going on. Every time La Russa makes a call to the bullpen, we get to take a shot. Hope your liquor cabinet is stocked.
10) There’s a chance Ron Washington may streak across the diamond screaming, “Save me Tom Cruise.”
11) You’ll hear at least 4,324 examples of “grit and toughness” every time Chris Carpenter takes the mound. C.J. Wilson‘s lack of intangibles will be so exposed, his salary next year will be reduced to single digits.
12) CC Sabathia may decide to opt out of his contract at some point during the World Series to liven up the event (A-Rod style!).
13) Ron Washington is super stoked!
14) David Freese will prove to the world that he isn’t just a local fan favorite and that he is actually a decent ball player.
15) Yadier Molina will finally go on record and say that “he is, in fact, the best Molina brother.”
16) Colby Rasmus won’t be with the Cardinals, plaguing all his former teammates with his lackadaisical attitude. On the other hand, Big Puma will be there and he’s, well, Big Puma.
17) Nolan Ryan will put himself on an unlimited pitch count should his services be required. And they will be required.
18) Should the network ratings dive below expectations, Bud Selig has agreed to end the series after game four…even if it’s tied.
19) If the Rangers win, Josh Hamilton will douse his teammates with Sprite instead of champagne. He’ll also agree to not engage the fans in any way (Kidding, kidding! Sorry, too soon? Definitely too soon.).
20) Gargoyle, Michael Young, has come to life.
21) Author Rhodes strategically positioned himself to earn a World Series ring no matter what the outcome. Don’t you want to see which team he high-fives?
22) Since no one outside of Arlington and St. Louis care about either of these teams (or the cities), you won’t have to see contstant footage of celebrities on their cell phones every five seconds. They* won’t even be at the event!
*Rob Schneider might be there.
23) When/if George W. Bush decides to rerun for president, his campaign will hinge on the outcome of this series. If you can vicariously lead a ballclub, you can lead a nation (see having no championship ring is what sent him astray during the first two terms).
24) It is a Wednesday night. Nothing is on television that is particularly noteworthy. Go ahead and DVR Modern Family if that’s your thing. I can’t really think of any other compelling sporting events off the top of my head. Hockey’s probably being played somewhere but that’s a long season and you can still check in on it. Basically this is the ol’ “baseball wins by default” argument.
*If you’re passing up the World Series for Mythbusters, I get it. I’m not happy about it but I get it. I watched last week’s episode about a viral video showing several wrecking balls smashing into each other, Newton-law-style. Alas, I digress.
Ehh, that’s all I got for now. Feel free to leave some of your own in the comments.
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